Spongebob's Voyage on the Seven Deadly Sins

SpongeBob SquarePants.  I only need to say those two words and the ten year old in each of us is back.  Oh, how I remember those joyous days of wanting a pet snail, pondering what made Krabby Patties so great, and annoying the piss out of anyone I knew by impersonating the title character of one of the most successful shows to ever air on Nickelodeon.  While the show seems like a fairly simple, childish idea, it has a nice little secret that most people don't know: Its main characters are based on the seven deadly sins.  When I found out about this, I was absolutely delighted since I make it a priority to live my life following those sins.  Besides, if I were a good boy all my life, how would I make it to Hell and ultimately become the supreme ruler of the underworld? Here goes, people.

Patrick Star - Sloth

This fat, pink bastard has nothing to show for his life other than a trophy he received for being the best at doing nothing.  Patrick is the stereotypical stoner character in the show; he lives under a godforsaken rock, has no job, and sits on his couch (which is made of sand, mind you) and watches television all damn day.  Also, Patrick has no clothes other than the damn swim trunks he wears day after day.  Put on a shirt, fatty, nobody wants to see that!  The majority of Patrick's time is spent freeloading from other characters, chasing dangerous Box Jellyfish, and annoying the hell out of his neighbors.  He's pretty damn good at screwing shit up, too, since he more than likely never finished school.  For example, when SpongeBob had the SUDS (the sponge version of Ebola), his ass was too lazy to take his best and only friend to a doctor, instead opting for home cures that I'm sure had some sort of herbal and natural qualities to them.  Sorry, Patrick, but you are the laziest invertebrate on television.

Sheldon Plankton - Envy

I don't even know what to say about this rat son of a bitch.  He's the most pathetic loser in Bikini Bottom and he knows it.  His entire life is a complete shithole; his only friend is his computer-wife and he's straight up abusive to her, but with good reason.  He owns a lower-end fast food restaurant and his sole-motivation to live is to get the Krabby Patty formula from the Krusty Krab, his rival establishment.  Every move Plankton makes is based on his desire to be as good as Mr. Krabs, the owner of the Krusty Krab.  This little bottom-feeder is so intent upon getting the secret recipe, that he comes up with horrible plans to dismantle his rival.  Plankton, who has a classic Napoleon Complex, somehow learned how to operate back-hoes, steam rollers, and has even constructed bombs!  I don't know about you, but the FBI needs to get this asshole before he takes our the entire town Luis Garavito style.

Sandy Cheeks - Pride

You know what they say about Texas, right?  Everything is bigger there, including the egos, and this little firecracker squirrel is doing nothing to help.  Sandy Cheeks is the most prideful rodent under the surface of the ocean, donning an astronaut outfit that I'm sure is a nice little tribute to NASA.  She's always boasting about hew she's from the Lonestar State and that everyone there is so rough and tough about everything. Sorry, Sandy, but your state lost at the battle of the Alamo, and I don't take kindly to losers.  Shit, Sandy, you live in a tree.  Get a real house like a pineapple or something.  And stop with your sob stories about how much you miss Texas.  Texas women aren't supposed to cry, so next time you have your friends put together a giant party for you, make sure you aren't whining like a little girl first.

Eugene Krabs - Greed

You're the worst of the worst, Krabs.  Everything is money with you, isn't it?  "Count the money, Squidward!" "Oh look, a penny!"  Get over yourself you money grubbing crustacean.  So what if you own a successful restaurant?  It's a fast food chain that serves greasy ass hamburgers to a bunch of good for nothing fish all day.  If I were there, I'd sue the shit out of you for making me so fat.  Then where would all your money be, huh?  In my wallet, just so you couldn't give anything to your humpback whale of a daughter.  

Squidward Tentacles - Wrath

Squidward is the angriest man you'll ever meet.  He hates everyone he comes into contact with, including his neighbors who only show affection toward him.  This guy's life is so miserable that he resorts to compulsive lying when attempting to look impressive in the eyes of others.  However, his lying only makes things worse for him since they always get thrown right back in his face.  Squidward is the most pretentious ass on the ocean floor; he thinks he's the greatest thing to ever grace the ocean with his abstract shit art and his horrendous clarinet playing.  The guy can literally only dream of playing Carnegie Hall.  Don't worry, though, we'd all hate our lives too if we sucked as bad as you do.  

Gary the Snail - Gluttony

How the developers of the show came up with the idea that snail equals cat, I have no idea, but this little shit eats more than the Cuppy Cake kid.  Every time he's mentioned, food somehow gets added into the equation.  And not only is a the biggest lard in the ocean, he's a picky eater, too.  Get over yourself, Gary, you're a snail.  In the real world, your kind eat pond scum to survive, and you're served with clarified butter for twenty bucks at high end French restaurants.  Not only is Gary a picky eater, though, but he's demanding as hell.  He's on a feeding schedule that's tighter than David Lee Roth's assless leather chaps.  The one time that his owner forgets to feed him, he runs away, and to who?  Patrick, the lazy stoner who survives off nothing but Cheetos and microwave burritos.

SpongeBob SquarePants - Lust

While most of us folks associate lust with hot, steamy sex and stuff, lust for SpongeBob means love.  For the one guy in Bikini Bottom who's probably never gotten laid, he sure shows a whole lotta love for everyone.  Everything from his friends to his parents to a ratty little baby clam he illegitimately raised with Patrick, is loved by him.  The funny thing is, nobody loves him back.  Everyone is Bikini Bottom treats SpongeBob like shit, and rightfully so.  The guy runs around all day trying to please everyone and only causes destruction and terror.  Once when he was on a commercial for the Krusty Krab, he thought he was famous and loved by everyone in town.  Subsequently, he began running around looking like a jackass and acting like a fool, which only pissed people off.  He's so damn desperate for love, in fact, that he resorted to making fun of one of his only friends just to get people to laugh at his jokes.  Stop trying so hard, SpongeBob, because no one thinks it's cute.

Touch Me, I'm Going to Scream.

I'm going to scream.  If there is one thing in this world that I hate more than religion, it's silence.  Yell and babble all you want, I don't give a shit, but when my goddam headphones break,  Shit. Hits. The. Fan.  Silence is golden?  Go to Hell, you miserable, antisocial prick.  Is there not one pair of headphones in the world that doesn't break after one month?  Beats by Dre?  How about no.  I actually like having the use of my inner ear.  So what if I can tell the difference in the bass, it's not worth spending three hundred dollars on headphones so I can listen to Soldier Boy and T-Pain and Eminem babble on about their ghetto upbringings and how it's affected their lives.  Christ, it's times like this when I wish I smoked.  

Anyway, since I just bored the hell out of all of you with my rant, it's time for me to continue on with my usual routine of being fucking awesome.  You know why?  'Cause that's how I roll.

Today I got bored sitting on my ass so I decided to be constructive for once in my life by going onto the Ferrari website and customizing my very own Ferrari California.  Unfortunately, I'm poor, have no job, and lack the quarter million dollars required to make such a purchase, so I downsized my endeavor to a smaller scale.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

THE creation of GHETTO SLED 4000!

A badass template.

First off, when creating your own slab, you need to start off with a template, or in terms that more people can understand, a base model.  For those of you who have no idea what is going on and are barely able to breath without the aid of a respirator, we're going to use a picture of a van. 

As you can see, I've chosen to start off our little project with a picture of a Ford Econoline or some shit like that.  I don't know cars, people, I only know being awesome and that is what we're doing here.  Anyway, we've now got this sweet ass van on here and we don't know what to do with it.  Or do we?  Come on, people, what do all pimped out rides have?  That's right, a sweet ass paint job, so let's call up van Gogh and see what that rat bastard is up to!  

America.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys, if y'all want to have a bitchin' ride that everyone is envious of, paint that thing red, white, and blue.  Nothing say "I'm here to party" like an America van.  I took the liberty of adding stripes to the sides and I even threw a little blue paint on the windows for a badass effect there.  Illegal?  Probably, but I've never let the po-po stop me before. 

Next thing I did to trick out my new ride was adding some sick rims to it.  It's common knowledge in America that adding expensive rims to your ride lets people (especially women) know that you have money.  Unfortunately, most people who fall for that trick end up spending everything they have on their 24" chrome cylinders.  Sucks to suck.  I used to be one of those people, and for that reason I now have only slightly more money than the entire country of Russia.  Due to these financial restrictions, I had to resort to using a lower quality set of wheels, but I don't think it'll be that big of a deal in the end.  Feast your eyes on my latest mod.

The wheels on the bus ain't got nothin' on GS4000

Now, I don't know about you, but I have kids to take care of.  Literally hundreds of them.  So many, in fact, that I'm known as the Ben Franklin of my generation.  So, in the interest of their safety and the continuation of my family name and devilish good looks, I needed to add some safety features.  The GS4000 doesn't come with seat belts, nor does it have passenger air bags (only for me), so I needed to make some changes to insure that my legacy lives on for years to come.  As you can see (below-left if you are unable to make that distinction yourself), I have added plenty of weaponry to prevent people from coming at me and the little Singles.  For one, I've added the gun turret seen on the roof of the automobile.  I've also added fifty-four missiles to the side of the GS4000 so that I can take out potential hostiles from up to four miles away.  Below, you can also see videos of the weapons in action.

Hunt for the Red GS400

There's something missing... I'm not quite sure what, but the Ghetto Sled 4000 needs one more thing to make it the most incredible ride in existence.  After many hours of thought, though, I've come up with the perfect solution to make the most obnoxious car for the most obnoxious person in the world!  CUE THE DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!

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It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Dan.  Dan is what you call a wook.  Wooks are filthy woodland creatures which originated in the state of Vermont.  During the early days of their existence, wooks were almost exclusively found at Phish concerts.  As of late, though, the jam band does not tour with the consistency it used to, only playing shows every few years.  Because of this, wooks have had to leave their environment, much like the Native Americans did when the white man pillaged their land so long ago (as recent as the 20th century).  Unfortunately, wooks have a difficult time adjusting to new environments because of their freeloading and addictive behaviors.  It just so happens, though, that a new territory has sprung up and has gained favor among the wooks, much to the dismay of the American public.  These new territories are our summer music festivals, and they stretch everywhere from California to Chicago, down south in Tennessee, and way back out to the Pacific Northwest.  I'm kicking my festival season off in Live Oak, Florida this week at Wanee Festival at Spirit of Suwannee Park, so in preparation, I'll be writing up on some of the country's largest festivals of 2011.  On the other side of the country in Indio, California, the twelth Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival is set to take place, and you can bet your ass that the wooks have been there since February.

COACHELLA

 This year, from April 15-17, all of  SoCal's music lovers will get the chance to bask in the glory of some of the best talent the industry has to offer.  With headliners, Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, and Kanye West, spectators will get a chance to see two acts that certainly won't fail to please.  For those who actually give a shit about music, KoL will be a show that most people will skip.  I can say that after seeing them last summer, their show is nothing more than a flashy façade (literally) with a few guys standing in front of it playing their three radio singles and nothing else of interest.  On the bright side, the festival also boasts an impressive undercard featuring acts such as Skrillex, the virtuoso DJ whom Rolling Stone Magazine recently "dubbed" the "Prince of Dubstep", as well as the popular British folk band, Mumford & Sons, and the dynamic rap/reggae duo, Damien Marley & Nas.

No, Nick Lachey! This is not your article!

While the bands at Coachella this year are hot on the charts, the weather's going to be scorching.  One thing to remember at any music festival is to beat the heat, and Coachella is no exception.  The California desert shows no mercy to the festival-goers, boasting temperatures in the upper-90s this time of year.  Fortunately, the festival counters the sun with a state of the art array of performance tents, shading attendees from dangerous UV rays while still giving an unforgettable concert experience.  If you're planning on going, think again;the festival sold out in just FIVE DAYS.  Unless you're willing to shell out over a thousand clams for a ticket, you're out of luck.  For those of you who are going, bring the water. 

 
THIS YEAR'S SURE THING: Shpongle presents The Shpongletron Experience.  Many people who go to Coachella are there for the many DJs that play the festival.  Shpongle's Shpongletron Experience is one show that shouldn't be missed by anybody.  The elaborate stage setup is most definitely not a mask for the awesomeness that is Shpongle's music, but rather a visual interpretation of the melodies.  Gather your party favors and head over to Shpongle, boys and girls, because that's going to be one of the best shows of the weekend.

SKIP IT: Neon Trees.  Their song "Animal" may be fun to listen to on Glee, but this band doesn't put out live.  They're just at the show to bring in the money.  Save your time and check out one of the other acts that are on during their set.

 

How to Succeed in the Music Industry Without Trying... Really.

AHHHHHHHHHHHM WIN BUTLER!

In light of Arcade Fire's recent success at the Grammys, I think it's fair to say that "indie" music is becoming a respected, dare I say it, genre.  Yes, hipsters, I know you're all giddy about how you knew the Montreal, Quebec-based band before the bros and clubsluts did, and yes, I know you're pissed that everyone knows who they are now that they've gone mainstream.  But you see, hipsters, I share a common factor with you:  I used to love knowing about great acts before they gained popularity-- then I stopped playing Guitar Hero and picked up a real instrument like a boss.  Stop complaining about how bands like Arcade Fire and The Strokes are becoming popular, because you know what?  You're the ones who made them popular to begin with!  Enough with you're bitching and moaning, you're starting to sound like Sally Struthers telepanhandling on an infomercial for a certain charitable cause.  

Something tells me that Sally's really let herself go...

Anyhow, hipsters, since your most recent musical squeeze has moved on to the richer man known as FAME, you're going to need a new band to hide from the general public, and since I'm in such a giving mood, I've decided to compile a guide on HOW TO START YOUR VERY OWN INDIE BAND!

Step 1: Acquire Nine or Ten of Your Closest Hombres
To be an indie band, you have to have either two people or ten.  The White Stripes and The Black Keys have covered the two-person band scene over the past decade, so it's dying out.  These days, people are into bands with a shit ton of people in them.  What do you call one guy on stage surrounded by booze and cigarettes?  Bob Dylan.  What do you call a gang of skinny folk with Pabst Blue Ribbon and American Spirits?  That's right, an indie band!  It's like being at the world's most contradictory party; cheap beer and expensive stogies.

Step 2: Have an Armada of Unconventional Instruments

Underground?  How about undersea?

If you look at most of the indie bands of years past, you'll find that the majority of them have some unorthodox instruments.  Some have xylophones, accordions, and steel drums, while others might have some people playing the violin or some other variation of the string family.  Yeah, it's pretty gimmicky to have a bunch of instruments playing at the same time, and if you don't do it right, you'll just have a constant blast of sound coming from the speakers that's reminiscent of a hundred parrots squawking in unison.  However, if you do it right, it'll give your music a broad new range of possibilities, subsequently making your music more three-dimensional.  Oh, and make sure you have at least three people playing one snare drum at once.

Step 3: Write Your Damn Music
Self-explanatory.  Just make sure you reference record companies and the political machine at least forty times on your first 8-track.  What, did you think you were making CDs?  No, those are too easy for radio stations to play.

Step 4: Get Yourself a REALLY Shitty Female Singer
No one will give a damn about your band if you don't have one person that makes your band sound terrible, and unless you can find one damn terrible countertenor, you're gonna have to go with a woman.  This chick has to sound so bad that Helen Keller's ears would have bled if you existed in her time.  Obviously, she can't be the lead singer.  Rather, make her a backup singer for a few songs and be done with it.  For the songs she is in, make her sing the harmony.  Singing harmonies is any vocalist's worst nightmare, especially if she's as tone deaf as this girl.  Listening to her will give your audience something to laugh at during the show since she'll miss a bunch of her notes and be obnoxiously flat.  Honestly, she's just gotta sound like a dying rabbit.

Step 5: Get a Gig and Perform Like a Boss
And when I say perform like a boss, I mean it.  Make sure you stand perfectly still for the entire performance, showing no emotion whatsoever.   The only people who are allowed to move are those three spider monkeys that you have playing the singular snare drum.  If you stand still, then your hipster audience is going to relate to you.  For a member of your audience, your show should be like going to church.  Stand up for, like, forty minutes, sit down for five to smoke a ten dollar cigarette, stand up again to nod your head to the beat of the drum.  

CONGRATULATIONS!

If you've followed all the steps up to now, you've now created an unsuccessful indie band!  Remember the Indie Creed, though... "Thou shalt not be on the radio."