How to Succeed in the Music Industry Without Trying... Really.

AHHHHHHHHHHHM WIN BUTLER!

In light of Arcade Fire's recent success at the Grammys, I think it's fair to say that "indie" music is becoming a respected, dare I say it, genre.  Yes, hipsters, I know you're all giddy about how you knew the Montreal, Quebec-based band before the bros and clubsluts did, and yes, I know you're pissed that everyone knows who they are now that they've gone mainstream.  But you see, hipsters, I share a common factor with you:  I used to love knowing about great acts before they gained popularity-- then I stopped playing Guitar Hero and picked up a real instrument like a boss.  Stop complaining about how bands like Arcade Fire and The Strokes are becoming popular, because you know what?  You're the ones who made them popular to begin with!  Enough with you're bitching and moaning, you're starting to sound like Sally Struthers telepanhandling on an infomercial for a certain charitable cause.  

Something tells me that Sally's really let herself go...

Anyhow, hipsters, since your most recent musical squeeze has moved on to the richer man known as FAME, you're going to need a new band to hide from the general public, and since I'm in such a giving mood, I've decided to compile a guide on HOW TO START YOUR VERY OWN INDIE BAND!

Step 1: Acquire Nine or Ten of Your Closest Hombres
To be an indie band, you have to have either two people or ten.  The White Stripes and The Black Keys have covered the two-person band scene over the past decade, so it's dying out.  These days, people are into bands with a shit ton of people in them.  What do you call one guy on stage surrounded by booze and cigarettes?  Bob Dylan.  What do you call a gang of skinny folk with Pabst Blue Ribbon and American Spirits?  That's right, an indie band!  It's like being at the world's most contradictory party; cheap beer and expensive stogies.

Step 2: Have an Armada of Unconventional Instruments

Underground?  How about undersea?

If you look at most of the indie bands of years past, you'll find that the majority of them have some unorthodox instruments.  Some have xylophones, accordions, and steel drums, while others might have some people playing the violin or some other variation of the string family.  Yeah, it's pretty gimmicky to have a bunch of instruments playing at the same time, and if you don't do it right, you'll just have a constant blast of sound coming from the speakers that's reminiscent of a hundred parrots squawking in unison.  However, if you do it right, it'll give your music a broad new range of possibilities, subsequently making your music more three-dimensional.  Oh, and make sure you have at least three people playing one snare drum at once.

Step 3: Write Your Damn Music
Self-explanatory.  Just make sure you reference record companies and the political machine at least forty times on your first 8-track.  What, did you think you were making CDs?  No, those are too easy for radio stations to play.

Step 4: Get Yourself a REALLY Shitty Female Singer
No one will give a damn about your band if you don't have one person that makes your band sound terrible, and unless you can find one damn terrible countertenor, you're gonna have to go with a woman.  This chick has to sound so bad that Helen Keller's ears would have bled if you existed in her time.  Obviously, she can't be the lead singer.  Rather, make her a backup singer for a few songs and be done with it.  For the songs she is in, make her sing the harmony.  Singing harmonies is any vocalist's worst nightmare, especially if she's as tone deaf as this girl.  Listening to her will give your audience something to laugh at during the show since she'll miss a bunch of her notes and be obnoxiously flat.  Honestly, she's just gotta sound like a dying rabbit.

Step 5: Get a Gig and Perform Like a Boss
And when I say perform like a boss, I mean it.  Make sure you stand perfectly still for the entire performance, showing no emotion whatsoever.   The only people who are allowed to move are those three spider monkeys that you have playing the singular snare drum.  If you stand still, then your hipster audience is going to relate to you.  For a member of your audience, your show should be like going to church.  Stand up for, like, forty minutes, sit down for five to smoke a ten dollar cigarette, stand up again to nod your head to the beat of the drum.  

CONGRATULATIONS!

If you've followed all the steps up to now, you've now created an unsuccessful indie band!  Remember the Indie Creed, though... "Thou shalt not be on the radio."