Touch Me, I'm Going to Scream.

I'm going to scream.  If there is one thing in this world that I hate more than religion, it's silence.  Yell and babble all you want, I don't give a shit, but when my goddam headphones break,  Shit. Hits. The. Fan.  Silence is golden?  Go to Hell, you miserable, antisocial prick.  Is there not one pair of headphones in the world that doesn't break after one month?  Beats by Dre?  How about no.  I actually like having the use of my inner ear.  So what if I can tell the difference in the bass, it's not worth spending three hundred dollars on headphones so I can listen to Soldier Boy and T-Pain and Eminem babble on about their ghetto upbringings and how it's affected their lives.  Christ, it's times like this when I wish I smoked.  

Anyway, since I just bored the hell out of all of you with my rant, it's time for me to continue on with my usual routine of being fucking awesome.  You know why?  'Cause that's how I roll.

Today I got bored sitting on my ass so I decided to be constructive for once in my life by going onto the Ferrari website and customizing my very own Ferrari California.  Unfortunately, I'm poor, have no job, and lack the quarter million dollars required to make such a purchase, so I downsized my endeavor to a smaller scale.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

THE creation of GHETTO SLED 4000!

A badass template.

First off, when creating your own slab, you need to start off with a template, or in terms that more people can understand, a base model.  For those of you who have no idea what is going on and are barely able to breath without the aid of a respirator, we're going to use a picture of a van. 

As you can see, I've chosen to start off our little project with a picture of a Ford Econoline or some shit like that.  I don't know cars, people, I only know being awesome and that is what we're doing here.  Anyway, we've now got this sweet ass van on here and we don't know what to do with it.  Or do we?  Come on, people, what do all pimped out rides have?  That's right, a sweet ass paint job, so let's call up van Gogh and see what that rat bastard is up to!  

America.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys, if y'all want to have a bitchin' ride that everyone is envious of, paint that thing red, white, and blue.  Nothing say "I'm here to party" like an America van.  I took the liberty of adding stripes to the sides and I even threw a little blue paint on the windows for a badass effect there.  Illegal?  Probably, but I've never let the po-po stop me before. 

Next thing I did to trick out my new ride was adding some sick rims to it.  It's common knowledge in America that adding expensive rims to your ride lets people (especially women) know that you have money.  Unfortunately, most people who fall for that trick end up spending everything they have on their 24" chrome cylinders.  Sucks to suck.  I used to be one of those people, and for that reason I now have only slightly more money than the entire country of Russia.  Due to these financial restrictions, I had to resort to using a lower quality set of wheels, but I don't think it'll be that big of a deal in the end.  Feast your eyes on my latest mod.

The wheels on the bus ain't got nothin' on GS4000

Now, I don't know about you, but I have kids to take care of.  Literally hundreds of them.  So many, in fact, that I'm known as the Ben Franklin of my generation.  So, in the interest of their safety and the continuation of my family name and devilish good looks, I needed to add some safety features.  The GS4000 doesn't come with seat belts, nor does it have passenger air bags (only for me), so I needed to make some changes to insure that my legacy lives on for years to come.  As you can see (below-left if you are unable to make that distinction yourself), I have added plenty of weaponry to prevent people from coming at me and the little Singles.  For one, I've added the gun turret seen on the roof of the automobile.  I've also added fifty-four missiles to the side of the GS4000 so that I can take out potential hostiles from up to four miles away.  Below, you can also see videos of the weapons in action.

Hunt for the Red GS400

There's something missing... I'm not quite sure what, but the Ghetto Sled 4000 needs one more thing to make it the most incredible ride in existence.  After many hours of thought, though, I've come up with the perfect solution to make the most obnoxious car for the most obnoxious person in the world!  CUE THE DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!

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